After re-evaluating the people I gave access to me,  I realized that I spent all my relationships both friendships and intimate trying to make them better into better people when they didn't do the same for me. My actions caused me to lose so much time. For so long and still to this day it's me who is always the listener which I don't mind however , it would be nice for me to have an ear too. There's always the "strong" friend in the group that nobody thinks twice about. We always get the shorter end. For some reason we're believed to have everything together because we are always able to help them get through the crises they face BUT that's not true. Even the strong get tired of always being strong. The point I'm trying to make is focus on yourself and making yourself better before the next person. You'll loose yourself in someone else trying to make them better when they don't do the same for you; then it's only you who ends up with nothing. For along time I was angry with myself for how I handled things , how I allowed people to handle me but I feel better most days knowing I took the same to think and control what it was that make me upset. I soon became happier. The only thing in life that we do have control over is our thoughts; therefore if you aren't thinking healthy it's impossible for your heart to grow to be.

Somebody once told me if they didn't know me personally they would think that I have everything together , they would believe I didn't go through some of the obstacles I faced and they would believe nothing was wrong me. I was once told I was strong and optimistic because I was able to juggle 1,000 task at once; putting nothing out but positive energy out to the world even when I inhaled  negativity. This person said all these wonderful things about me with no realization that I am the most unorganized , indecisive and insecure person. The 1,000 task I take on make me feel I'm all over the place ,driving me insane and I encounter the most crazy things daily. It isn't until now that I somewhat figured out ways to cope and understand the meaning life along with my purpose here on Earth. I reached a point where understanding the principles of life became more important to me than anything someone else has going on, along with the things that didn't benefit me.  Despite the feelings I felt going through my most difficult times I'm grateful to have been blessed with such tragedies because it molded me into the person I am today. NO I'm not still not perfect and YES I'm still going through things but my hardest times made me appreciate the better days. I'm alive which gives me the upper hand in any situation I occur , good or bad. I know realize life is too short to live for anybody else but you. After changing my mindset and access to people and things not good for me I felt freedom. I felt dead before giving life to things that drained me; I finally stopped and now I'm alive. Again I'm far from perfect, I still make mistakes, there's still places I want to go , mental strategies I want to reach and goals I want to achieve. However I'm more certain I will now because I changed how I deal with the negative things around me and started giving myself more credit for the things I already accomplished, instead of focusing on what I didn't. If nobody is proud of me , I am.